Seriously, CNN? SERIOUSLY?

Courtesy of CNN, 7 low-cost gifts to keep Mom healthy on Mother's Day.

Give your mom something she really needs -- the gift of good health.

Aw. That's kinda sweet. Second sentence and I'm interested.

I'll admit, though, my eyebrow is slightly raised at "low-cost." In my experience, "low-cost" gift lists are either (1) dollar store crap awkwardly arranged into something we're all supposed to pretend is creative and thoughtful, or (2) come from the Oprah school of affordable, which means that you'd better hope you get tickets for her Favorite Things show or else you'll never, ever, ever be able to afford that cool thing, you middle-class sucker.

Anyway. Moving on.

No, you don't have to buy her a treadmill.

Okay, that answers that. We're on the dollar-store list. Good news in terms of my shopping. Bad news in terms of my receiving. And yes, I'm all about my receiving, thankyouverymuch.

1. Give the gift of (your) time and support at the doctor's office.

"Offer to be your mom's health buddy."... "Promise to be there for any and all doctor's visits whether a mammogram or routine appointment."

Um. Okay? That's a little weird. I don't really feel the need to hold my Mom's hand while she has her blood pressure checked and gets a pap but hey, maybe I'll ask her if that's what she wants.

2. Give the gift of healthy eating.

Rather than an expensive, artery-clogging brunch, you can spring for a visit with the nutritionist and follow it with a healthy meal.

If my husband is reading this - I want the damned brunch. Just to be clear.

Also for the record, giving me the gift of a nutritionist kinda makes for a sucky Mother's Day. That's the sort of thing that needs to be finessed... I wouldn't turn it away if it was proposed in one of the not-uncommon discussions we have about exercise and eating and weight. Tie a string to your finger and when your Mom (or wife) says, "Oh, I'm really trying to lose weight..." then go ahead and say, "You know, I heard of this nutritionist, blah, blah, let me send you!"

But for Mother's Day? No. What do you even write in that card? "Happy Mother's Day, fatass!" Egads.

3. Give the gift of organization.

Instead of making a photo album of family snapshots (although that's nice too), make your mom a folder containing all of her medical records.

Uhhh... huh. Is Mom mentally retarded? Does she have advanced dementia? Please, please don't come to my house and put my medical papers in a folder for me. Please.

4. Give the gift of a good night's sleep.

"Buy your mom satin sheets, a new mattress, a mattress cover, or a luxurious pillow to encourage better sleep," Savard said. "We know that restorative sleep is critical to our immune system and heart health." For new mothers, offer to watch the baby while she takes a nap. This will also allow you to spend quality time with the kids, so "it's a win-win."

This is a good one! I like this one! *yawn* (Except for the satin sheets. Like trying to sleep on a slip-and-slide, satin sheets. A good, high thread count cotton works for me.)

5. Give the gift of healthful goodies.

Instead of a gourmet gift basket filled with cheese and crackers or sweets, make your own healthy gift basket for your mom, suggests Savard. Not sure what to put in it? Start with a multivitamin, calcium supplements, and vitamin D supplements. "If you know your mom is trying to get more fiber, put some fiber supplements in the basket too," she says. "A pedometer, some arm weights, and maybe a tape measure can also be part of this gift," Savard says. A tape measure can help mom measure her waist size.

OH. HELL. NO.

I do not hesitate when I say this: If you give me a belly-fat measuring device of any kind as a Mother's Day gift, I will lose my shit. Lose it. First I will cry. Then I'll excuse myself to cry harder. Then I will remove the children to a safe location. And then YOU - and everything else within a twenty foot radius, most likely - will promptly be destroyed as I, and all my belly fat, have a Mommy meltdown of epic proportions.

Do not give me fiber for Mother's Day. Do not give me weights for Mother's Day. And for the love of all that is holy and any small measure of respect you can drum up for the fact that I gestated your children for TEN months (wherever that "nine month" bullshit came from, I will never know) and then actually made (with my belly fat-riddled body) food - FOOD! I produced FOOD! - that continued to nourish them for years thereafter, do NOT, under any circumstances, give me a tape measure with which to measure my girth.

This is the worst gift suggestion EVER. EVER! I'm rolling my eyes and wagging my finger at you, CNN. You report the news! Don't you read the stuff you print? You're treading in penis-lopping-off territory here.

6. Give the gift that keeps on giving.

Accessory and gift companies such as Presents for Purpose allow you to pay it forward this Mother's Day by picking gifts in which 10 percent of the proceeds benefit a charity of your choice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I've no complaints about this one, but I'll be damned if I'm giving any props to this stupid list now.

7. Give the gift of chocolate -- if you must.

Oh, you must. Trust me. You must.


And I mean you, CNN. You owe every freaking mother in the world chocolate now. Lots of chocolate. And flowers. And brunch, too.





(PS - And, uh... yeah. I'm not really going to offer to go with my mom to her GYN appointments. Thanks but no thanks.)